The Road to Pride

The Road to Pride

“All teams are a go.”

I sprint with my partner towards the threat…the timer ticking, ticking, ticking. As I approach the target it becomes more and more imminent that it could be the last time I ever do so. It could be my last assignment, my last day as a field operative, my last few breaths, my last day alive.

I have worked all of my life to do this. To put my life on the line in order to protect the country from the threats it faces each day. I wanted to live in a world where I could wake up every morning knowing that I was making a difference and becoming the person my 16 year old self would be proud of.

I flash back to a time where I was completely confident in the world, and the person I could become. Throughout high school I knew what I wanted and I thought I had my life figured out, but I didn’t want any help from anyone. Sure, I struggled in math and spent countless hours reciting quadratic equations and the unit circle, circling in my mind like a torpedo. I asked friends to edit papers and for rides to the ice house on Friday nights. Sometimes I needed advice, and my friends were always there for me. I always managed to make the best of memories. Despite these things, I wanted more than anything to be self-sufficient and completely independent. I was ready to do anything, ready to go off on my own-live in a cabin in the woods, move to a huge city where I didn't know anyone, even start all over in another country. I wanted to think I didn’t need anybody…and maybe no one needed me either. Every person for themself and for their own. There would be no handouts, no easy way outs for me. I wanted to work for my entrance to college and the successes I accomplished in life. I didn’t want to recall that I owed everything to someone else. The world was mine for the taking, but I didn’t see it as something that I needed to be eased into. I wanted to be thrust into the real world, where I could make a life that I would want to live and occupy myself with my passions, something that would allow me to celebrate myself. But what to a teenage girl is the world?

To me the world was anything I wanted it to be. I could be a Senator, a member of the Peace Corps, an ambassador to the United Nations, anything. I truly found my passions junior year and I felt the world being opened up for me to explore. It was a welcome crack in the bubble that childhood encased each one of us in. It was true. Norwalk, Connecticut, my home growing up, itself was a diverse, yet small city. In any classroom a wide variety of races, interests, and hobbies could be found. However, each person was sculpted to fit into their own social groups or clubs. If you didn’t fit into one of the small categories subconsciously developed throughout the school than you could be sure to have a less than happy high school experience. I conformed, just a little, but everyone did and almost no one could help themselves. We had been, in some ways, better off than some of the rich suburbs surrounding us in Fairfield County. As a school we were secretly thankful for such a bizarre group of people because we had met so many different kinds of people-not just the wealthy, athletic, mostly white students that other towns accepted as the norm. I dreamed of other things though, a beholder of my own ideas. Traveling the world, doing things that far surpassed being on the student government or finally accepting that coveted varsity letter.  All those experiences have been held close to my heart over the years though; the role I played in my school and the involvement I put into making those some of the best years of my life paid off…but in the end all I was working for throughout high school was obtaining a job like this.

It’s a job that few people may want. It’s not glamorous or even safe but the adrenaline I get each day, knowing that I am keeping my country safe is indescribable. Countering terrorism is one thing, but understanding and working to prevent it is another. “I hold that every American citizen has a fight to form an opinion…and to propagate that opinion, and to use all honorable means to make his opinion the prevailing one.” (Douglass, What to the Slave is the Fourth of July? 18). I wanted to make my opinion and passions what prevails and to use it for the good of mankind in general. Throughout most of my life I have been taught to accept the values and practices of others and not to judge people that I don’t understand. I want to understand though. I wanted to see what other cultures had to hold and I wanted to live in a global society that would encompass the whole world. It was an idealistic dream at 16, but there was nothing that could stop me from trying to see everything through another perspective, trying to stop the violence that hurts so many and accomplishes what? I wanted to do things diplomatically and I still do, but until we stop fighting fire with more fire, all I can do it try to smother the ignition in my own small way.

Communication was something I always valued. How could nations possibly expect results without listening to another point of view and explaining their own? Every culture had to be embraced and I always sought to understand each culture, whether it be by studying it or learning the native language. I have studied Arbic for so long, since my freshman year of high school and now I'm becoming proficient in both Spanish and French. I think that everyone needs to adopt other languages and customs and ideas with their own and use it to better themselves. Language in present day could be a gateway to peace, sharing thoughts and solutions through a common method of communication, more personal than our ever growing use of technology.  If I ever survive this assignment, though it is with great uncertainity I say this, I will exert some of my force to encouraging such practices. There is no better way to respect another group than to take the time to learn their language and speak face to face instead of through a translator. A person cannot be expected to be liked by those from another part of the world, for “it will never occur to you that the people who inhabit the place in which you have paused cannot stand you”(Kincaid, 17), if no effort is made to understand them.

But as I feel my last moments before heading into the conflict pass, I can’t help but feel every restriction imposed on me throughout my life weigh down on me. The countless assignments with seemingly impossible requirements, the dreaded SATs and college process, the late nights in the library studying for a crucial final all came to the forefront of my mind. Heartbreak, loss, the death of my loved ones, and lies that have hit me through the years like a rock solid wall I couldn’t get past. Small struggles and struggles that made me shut down for far too long, a weakness I soon had to learn to challenge. I couldn’t, wouldn’t, and won’t let anything stop me from living my life. There was no reason that I could let such problems envelope me and restrict me, mimicking almost as a hagfish does, suffocating its prey and sinking it into the depths of the ocean. Those depths were something I had to overcome. It is known that hot air rises and cold air sinks, so I told myself to light my own fire of perseverance, a fire that would propel me towards my goal, towards the waters of life and truth.  And it is that motivation I have kept with me until this very moment.

In this moment though, I can’t help but wonder if it was all worth it. I sacrificed so much in order to accomplish what I have. Perhaps I have been in a constant state of daydreaming, where the concept of failure and success don't exist because I can't possibly concluding that an evaluation of my life could be determined in such simple terms. But then again, where is it leading me? Death? Is it really possible that a person is just as lucky to die, than as to be born?

But all I know is that I had never been happier than when I was accepting my role in the world, no matter how small by working towards peace, mutual understanding, and respect between nations. The physical demands are strenuous, but staying in shape became a personal necessity since freshman year when I started soccer and couldn’t stop, so it is really killing two birds with one stone. The mental state is often fragile. I am confident in my goals in what the ends of this job produce, but I often wonder what the means really say about me. I wonder whether the end can truly justify the means. I didn’t want to do some of the things I have done. I regret that I am often so blinded by the results that I don’t take careful consideration of the actions- consideration, yes, but not to the point that I would sacrifice an ultimate success in lieu of following utter protocol. Ultimately “I am satisfied…I see, dance, laugh, sing” (Whitman, Song of Myself 34) and I know that although my duty may deal with serious matters, I myself don’t have to become someone too serious for her own good.
Quiet. I used to get that a lot. I was quiet and I knew it but as I grew older, I became louder. I had more to say and more that needed to be addressed and I took it upon myself to address those things. To remain someone that stayed quiet, too timid to take a stance would get me nowhere, would damage my ethos as a person who could make a difference. “For all men live by truth, and stand in need of expression. In love, in art, in avarice, in politics, in labor, in games, we study to utter our painful secret. The man is only half himself, the other half is his expression.” (Emerson, The Poet 2) I wanted my expression to be heard and as I discovered what motivated and excited me most, all I wanted was to let it direct my life towards something worthwhile. And as I can feel my death grow near, I can fully say that my life has been directed in a worthwhile direction and my vision has been fulfilled. I have lived out my passions and even if this is the end, I have spent my life doing what I decided to do when I was 16 and haven’t regretted since…

But in reality I am still just 16 and this isn’t my last day alive, this isn’t my last few breaths, this isn’t even my first day as a field operative, nor is it the time for my first or last assignment. I have years to reach this point in my road, where my life is in danger, in danger for working towards what I believe in. I am just setting down this road now, and I can’t truly know the risks or outcomes of what lays ahead of me. All I can do is follow the goals and passions I do have and hope that I accomplish even a fraction of what I’m dreaming of.